Jokes

[Rydia]

Any funny jokes!

[GrahamZA]

To celebrate Chuck Norris's birthday...

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it!

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face.

He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever!

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth.

Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

[Cybernet]

lol i have not heard a chuck joke in a while. Thx graham.

ok heres a lame one 

A fish was/is swimming up river when he hits a wall..........what does the fish say?


....dam 

[Rydia]

One day there was a rabbit and a snake who were both growing old and could not remember what animal they were.

"OK I'll describe you and then see if you can guess what you are." said the snake.

"That's a good idea." said the rabbit.

"You are white, fluffy, and you have big ears and feet." said the snake.

"Oh good, I'm a rabbit! So the rabbit says, "You are long, slim, and have a forked tongue."

"Oh NO, I'm a lawyer!

[TexX]

Two blondes walk into a bar...........
It hurt

[Rydia]

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

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How do you know if your a red neck?
You go to the family reunion to find a date!

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What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter... he won't come to you anyway!

[Rydia]

Why don't aliens eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

[Rydia]

In front of a funeral home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

In a non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we'll assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

At an optometrist's office: If you don't see what you are looking for you've come to the right place.

At a car dealership: The best way to get back onto your feet is to miss a car payment.

At a company's reception desk: We shoot every third salesman, and the second one just left.

Inside a bowling alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

[Lucky13]

Error! Keyboard is not attached,press f1 to continue

[Rydia]

[jGLZa]

Highlight of my morning so far:

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves.

"I'm an engineer" says American, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks, why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organize the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks.

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up" The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food.

The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants."

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the American, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since." They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised.

Spoiler (hover to show)

They make it about 100 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peacock feathers sticking out of his arse and shouts: "SUPPLIES!!"

[NeoN]

OMW! lol. Classic. >_<