Angels: A Prelude

[GrahamZA]

This is something I wrote in high school (I think). It’s in unfinished form so there are grammatical errors and what not. Let me know what you think as I’ll be revamping the story and fleshing it out.

I’d appreciate any feedback on this 

This town survives on corn exports and small markets. It has a few streets, but was considered large enough for a movie house - a single screen, mind you, but well enough for its residents.

    In this cinema on a brisk and warm Friday evening cowered a young woman,
Melanie, who sat quivering in the corner of the woman's bathroom. Her face turned a shade whiter than snow from the sight of her boyfriend, who was lying in the middle of the floor. The axe, which had just been used to kill him, was lodged in the dead centre of his skull. The man's head had been split like a watermelon at Sunday lunch and both revealed pink flesh. Blood had been splattered everywhere, as not only his head, but the lower torso had also been violently ravaged. The girl stared at her beloved mate, as his blood dripped off of her face.
    'What in god's name did I do to deserve this?' she managed to stammer as the recent shock still gripped her whole body.
    The room was, besides the dark shades of crimson splattered over it, white, as with all public toilets. The walls and floors were tiled with an odd design of sea creatures. Perhaps the designer decided to sooth the bathroom's users with dolphins and sea horses, though this hardly worked in instances of macabre.
    A figure began to slowly emerge from the wall above the shock-stricken girl. The shape of a hand was protruding from the tiles, manipulating them to fit its sleek form. As more and more of the creature emerged from its hiding place, it began to take on a humanoid form, quite similar to a grown man.
    Its hand lunged down and pulled Melanie upwards, level with its head, at lightning speed. Several more hands begin to manifest from the wall and grab the girl by the arms and legs. A small crick could be heard coming from the girl, as her body lay lifeless in the possession of this monster.
    She stared at where its eyes should have been, and as it began to speak, no mouth was formed, but rather the voice emanated from it.
    'You? What did you to deserve this? What did anyone do to deserve anything?' Its voice was deep and clear.
    Her throat was too tight to let even the slightest whimper escape.
    The figure began to emerge back into the wall, pulling his prey in with him. As they both slipped into the tiled, blood spattered wall, it ripples like the surface of a pond, which had just been hit by a stone.
    A moment of silence.
    Female screams could be heard from all around. The tearing and ripping of flesh and cartilage, bone and sinew.
    A slight trickle of blood began to emerge from the wall, which soon turned into a raging river, which had just burst through a dam wall.
    A single white feather glides gently towards the floor.
 

Chapter 1

The phone rings.
A partially drunken man slumps out of his bed and staggers across the room towards the ringing annoyance. He picks it up as he struggles to wake himself. The large form slumped over while still overcome with grogginess.
              ‘It’s me. I don’t have long to speak.’ Without even mention of who it was, he knew the voice. It's sometimes easier to recall past memories. The caller sounded out of breath and in somewhat of a hurry. ‘Now listen to me closely. Meet me at the Vanishing Flower Hotel. It’s on the Northern side of town,’
              The man rubs the stubble on his face; need to shave he thinks to himself. 'The north side? Shit, you really know how to pick 'em.' He chuckles.
              'This is no time for jokes. Do you remember the woman from twelve years ago?'
He yawns a bit and scratches his stomach. 'Yea, sort of. It was quite a while back.' A headache begins to develop as the previous night's booze starts to wear off. 'Something about deaths and flesh and blood and...I dunno. Refresh my memory, I have just turned forty ya know.' He chuckles to himself once more.
              'Drunk again? Never the less this is no time for reminders. Just be there by ten 'o clock.' It sounds as if the woman has taken the phone away from her face and then placed it back. 'I have to see you. We can't let this start all over again. Please-'
              The phone is suddenly cut off.
       

* * *

'Pardon me sir.' The desk clerk stared at the wandered as he stood in the reception area of the hotel. 'Can I help you with something?'
              The man stared blankly for a few moments and then realised what he had come there for.
              'Yea, I'm supposed to meet someone, a woman. See anyone lately?'
              'My apologies sir, but women come through here every day. You'll have to describe her to me or I shall not be able to help you.' The clerk was a little arrogant and short.
              'Wow...well it's been quite some time since I saw her.' He folded his arms. 'Let's see now, she has long black hair, a little shorter than me, nice and perky, and has a mole on her right cheek.' He had to dig quite deep into his memories for that information, well except for the perky bit.
              'Ah yes. The lady was in here earlier, but left not more than fifteen minutes ago. Is your name perhaps, Marcus?'
              'Yea.' It was a name he had not gone by in quite a long time. Longer than he could remember.
The snooty clerk pulled something out from behind his desk. 'The lady wanted me to give this to you, Marcus. She said it was of some importance and stressed that it must only be given to you.' He put the envelope on top of the counter.
              On the envelope it read, “Marcus,” well it was more scribble and barely legible.
              Marcus picked up the envelope off of the counter, shoved it into his pocket and proceeded to leave the building. 'Thanks pal,' he shouted back as the door swung shut behind him.

              The evening was cold and silent. Not a single breath of air made it's way through the city.
              The Vanishing Flower's car park was full with not a parking space left open. It was the hotel's busier time of year. The only reason for this, unknown to the new clerk, was the fact that people claimed it was haunted. During the 80s a bizarre string of murders took place inside of the hotel, known then as the Silent Rose. People were skinned alive, bodies were mutilated and all the victims shared a common factor: not one of then had a drop of blood left. People travel from all over the country wanting to stay in the haunted rooms and claiming vampires were culprits, but the locals knew more . . . But that is a tale for another time.
     
Marcus sat in the park, alone. For this time of night it was oddly deserted, but all the same he preferred it that way.
              He pulled the crumpled envelope from his pocket and examined it for a few moments.
              All those years ago we parted ways and I though it was for good. We shouldn't have joined up in the first place, but there was no other alternative. The few of us had done our jobs. We did what needed be done. It cannot happen again.
              Even after the endless years of alcoholism, Marcus still remembers exactly what this was about.
              He took a deep breath, ripped open the envelope and began to read the letter inside.

              Dear Marcus,

              I'm sorry that I could not have seen you in person as I had so hoped for, but unfortunately circumstances arose and I could not risk contact.

              I don't have much time so I'll tell you this: go to St. Peter's Church a few blocks away from here. There you'll meet a man by the name of Trent, he'll be able to tell you what I can't.

              Love,
              Alyssa

'I don't know much about all of this, but I do know that St. Peter was the place where I'll find all of my answers. Good thing it's only a few blocks away because I used up the last of my cash on the ride over (and a few cigarettes)' He sighed to himself as he scratched around in his left pocket for money.
              Marcus pulled a box of matches from his back pocket, took one out, lit it and proceeded to burn the letter.
              “Well,” he began, 'if she made this much effort to contact me, I'll have to destroy any evidence of contact. It's what she would want.'
              He look out and started at the skyscrapers and city lights.
              'This place disgusts me,' he mumbled to himself as he set off.

Chapter 2

Even though the church was showing it's age it was still a safe haven for the less fortunate. The city was a cancer upon the church seeing as it was the first church build in the cesspit of a metropolis. It doesn't help its cause that the highway 43 had been built right above it either.

Margation City. The scum of the Earth and a cesspool for the rich and corrupt. During the time of the Living War, Margation was built as a safe haven for the last few survivors of Adam and Eve. A pillar of light and strength for all of those seeking shelter.

After the war, the cities of man began to re-establish themselves to their former glory and Margation was quickly abandoned by the decent and respectful. If you live in Marg', it's because you have blood on your hands.
              The unshaven man stands outside of the church. Clouds have begun to form in the distance.
              'Rain,' he says in a depressing voice. “That's the last thing I need.
              The church's doors, though eroded with time, still ominously as the entrance to this house of god. At this point the man has no choice but enter.

* *

Not a single soul was present in the church when Marcus stepped through the doors. Candles were lit all around and were the only source of light. Electricity had been cut off a long time ago as it wasn't deemed necessary for this particular place. According to one city official, 'If you want light then your god will provide it.' Beurocrats, you have to love them.

Chapter 3

'Are you Trent?'
              The man began to wipe the blood off of his fists onto his long brown trench coat. 'Yes, and I presume you're the one called, Marcus. You don't look like one of them, so you must be him, well either that or they've done a fantastic job.' The thick crimson seemed to have stained the man's clothes.
              'One of them? What are you talking about? You're not one of those crack heads, are you?' Marcus chuckled a little, though he knew exactly what Trent was talking about. 'Refresh my memory if you will.' He pulls a small silver canine out from under his shirt and takes a sip. Marcus' jacket, though always too small for his unique physique, fitted perfectly as he grew older.
              Trent stares at him for a moment. 'You do know this is holy place, don't you?'
              Marcus takes another swig. 'Well yea, it does say church in neon lights outside and I've done my fair share of praying in this life.' He chuckles a bit more as the brandy's container goes back under his shirt.
              'As I was saying, at the moment it's easy to tell if a person is one of them, but it won't be for much longer. The Birth Project yourself, Alyssa and others managed to stop years ago, well there are rumours of its resurrection within the underworld, criminal that is. If this is brought to life then all life as well know it will be worse off than if you'd let it side the first time. These are dark days -”
              “Yea I know. Damn nightfall,” Marcus joked though Trevor didn't seem to like it.
              “These are dark days, “ He wasn't interrupted this time, “and it is a time for an Angle to save mankind.”
              A fit of laughter rang through out the church's great hall.
              Trent stared blankly at Marcus as it the man had instantly become insane. “I don't see what's so funny about this. It's a serious matter and something must be done.”
              After a minute or so Marcus stopped laughing and composed himself.
              “Boy you're too young to understand this. When you've been around for as long as I have you'll soon realise that no Angle will save mankind. It's more than likely a demon will, but even that is a one in seventy three billion chance. hell, I have more luck winning the national lottery. That reminds me, I must get a ticket before tomorrow.”
              “Damn it!” Trevor had begun to loose his cool. “While I was at the front lines, defending this city against the remnants of Living and Birth, you've been cowering away in a corner and drinking yourself stupid, you son of a bitch.”
              By this time Marcus was already halfway to the church's doors. He stopped half way, turned around and looked at Trent. “Look kid you can talk all you want and you can call me names, hell you can even erase all of the pornography off of my PC, but I'm not interested.” His feet continued their journey towards the exit. “Tell Alyssa I send my regards, or love, whichever makes me seem more human. See 'ya around kid.”
              The young man quickly headed towards the exit as well, but stopped a quarter of the way.
              “You said earlier that no Angel will ever save humanity . . . did you know that JM is coming back to town?”
              “JM?” The elderly man, well he is in his forties, stopped, hung his head and thought for a moment. “Angels are dead, kid. They are no longer up there. It'll take more than an Angel to deal with JM, but I can see through your little plan . . . and I accept. For the time I'll think of it as a challenge of sorts? Think of that not as a yes, but a very polite no. Now good evening. I need to crawl back into bed.”
              The storm had already begun again and even more ferociously then it had been. Lightning struck the highest peaks like a lion pouncing on easy prey.
              Trent is determined to acquire an acceptable answer from the old warrior, and “a challenge” is not it. He removes a thin item, wrapped in a brown cloth from his pocket and stretches his arm out as if to give the parcel to Marcus.
              'Have you heard,' He shouts as Marcus has almost entirely left the church, rain beginning to sink into his clothing as the storm rages on.
              'This guy's persistent,' Marcus mutters to himself. He slumps down as if to become completely disappointed that he's not back in bed. Slowly he turns around to face the evening's appointment once again. 'What? What have I heard? Are you going to once again try to convince me with your words are rage?'
              'Well I came to the conclusion that I personally cannot convince you myself,' he lay the brown clothed item down on top of a pew and motioned to head out of the church himself. 'Perhaps this may be able to.'
              Marcus walks over, picked up the item and unwrapped it. He stares disappointedly at the item, which rested, in his hands. A single white feather, the length of a small cat, lay in front of him. He knew, without even uttering a word, he knew what it was and what it meant.
              'Two have been killed so far. It appears even the Angels can be killed. We still don't know who has been doing it, but every month, on the 17th, they were killed. By the way, Alyssa, she went off to investigate the incidents herself.' As the last of Trent's words were uttered he was already out of sight and into the darkness' embrace.
              'Tomorrow is the 17th.' Despair overcomes Marcus as he slips the feather into his own coat and heads towards the front of the church.

[GrahamZA]

Chapter 4

As was the cliché with a spring morning the birds were singing, the sun was shining and it was the most perfect day in existence. This was true, except for fact that the previous night's storm still raged on. No birds were singing. No sun was shining and the day was far less than perfect. Margation City, standing in all its former glory and desperately seeking the proud and justice it once stood for, ran with the current excessive downpour only experience a mere 200 days out of the year.
              The man-made moat, 3 kilometres across, was filled to the brim with more than stagnant water than a decades worth of raw sewage. For the right price, even industrial waste can magically disappear. Margation, the only city that's river water can be used as fossilized fuel.

I've tried every place I could think of; the bar we used to sit in, her last known address, both crime scenes and even the hotel again. Nothing, not a single trace of that sweet smile of hers. Alyssa was a good few years younger than me so why she ever bothered with an old coot like myself is beyond me.
              The storm raged as Marcus sat in a bar. The name Crying Reef stood outside for all to see, why it was called this was anybody's guess but the owner refused to give out any details. Rumour has it that it's the name of his trusty Colt, which he used to gun down 37 gang members twenty three years back, but it's only a rumour, as with most things in the city.
              The beer Marcus drank was bitter and most likely made from the cheapest hops in all of the state, but it's all he could afford on an old drunk's pension.
              Ronnie, the current bartender on shift, stood, as it was with bartenders, constantly drying glasses. Heaven knows if any were actually washed with some sort of cleaning chemical but for the price of your desired poison, you didn't ask questions.
              'Mr. Marcus, my boy. What seems to be troubling you this evening?' Besides forever calling Marcus, boy, Ronnie himself appeared to be around 24 years of age. 'Women trouble? Health? Money?'
              Marcus grinned a little as he lit a cigarette that he had found in a back pocket of his pants. 'D: All of the above.' His right hand reached around and rubbed two bumps on his back. 'I get terrible back trouble you see, had it ever since I was a kid. I can't find the woman I'm looking for and well,' takes a sip of his partially stagnant drink and frowns a little from it's ever bitter taste, 'who doesn't have money problems?'
              'Seen a doctor about you back before?' Bartenders usually asked questions and needed a person's problems, but it wasn't ever because they cared. The more a person talked, the more they drank, the more thy drank, the more money they tossed away.
              'Yea but he just freaked out. Said I was a work-of-art or something rubbish to that effect. Guess nothing can be done about that. I tend to scare away docs.'
              Ronnie grinned a little himself as he reached for another glass. A thick purple crust had formed at the bottom of it, but regardless of that fact Ronnie started to dry it. 'You know she's in trouble?'
              Marcus looked up from his glass. 'Wha-'
              'You have three hours to find her or we'll kill her. Well, not we, but I. Oh how you waste your life drinking yourself stupid. You always have. It's been your weakness.' He continued, calm as before, cleaning his stained glasses. No emotion is his voice. His face had slowly shifted, changing shape so though liquid plastic had been poured into a mould.
              'You! T-Trent?' Marcus stammered at the sight.
              'I suggest trying her old apartment again. If she dies, then who will mourn your death once you're gone? She's the only person you have left in this world.'
              A thick and ominous fog suddenly began to fill bar as it poured in from the windows.
              Two blue slits appear within the white thickness and then disappear.
              He's gone.

Chapter 5

'Come on, we need to get the hell out of here,' someone shouted as they all ran as fast as they could.
              The night, cold and bitter as the darkest recess of space, surrounded them. The cornfield itself was a living trap as they ran through.
              Creatures, stinking of meat two weeks past its expiry date, continued to close in on them. Faster and faster. So close you could feel their rank breath upon the back of your neck.
              'What in the hell have we gotten ourselves into?!' another yelled over and over until all of them reached the wall. Five meters high and lined with broken glass. It was something of a joy to overcome for those that enjoy sadism.
              'Shit! This was supposed to be routine. Get in and get out. Not get in and be killed!'
              They were surrounded now. The beings, though decayed and mutilated, were more agile than those of the living. One, the largest of them, stepped forward and approached his prey with almost elegant strides.
              'Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. As I'm sure you all know, my name is Dr. Irealc.'
              Behind half a mask, which covered the right side of his face ever so slightly was mutilation at its best, and worst. The overall appearance was that of a man of the government but besides the dark blue suit, slick hair and wide grin, many of his features were less than that of a man.
              'You've all been very, very naughty and have been trying to destroy my precious children.' His uncovered eye bore a bright yellow iris. As yellow as the thick liquid that oozed from his compatriots. 'Well I see the tides have turned, or so they say, and you are now the ones who shall be destroyed. Well perhapse destroyed is too harsh a word for such an act. Let's . . . let's stick with consumed, shall we?'
              One of the creatures snarled.
              'Alright it's settled then. Consumed.'
              A captive, Yu, takes a step forward and faces the demonic leader. 'It is I who you want. The others are merely pawns in my plan against you.' Yu removes his shirt. Two white, and feathered objects, upon each of his shoulder blades begin to unfold themselves and spread out in all directions. Wings. The wings of an Angel.
              'Well well well. This is a surprise. One of the Angels is gracing our presence. How mortal of you.' The deformed mouth of Irealc stretches itself to reveal jagged teeth, most of which are missing. 'But think about your life, would you really give it up to be lead off to the slaughter? And for what, a bunch of humans who cower behind you?'
              'They may be humans but I will not let you harm them. ' He takes a firmer stance in front of the ones he's protecting. The wind picks up now and the large wings flutter a little.
              'Well I was once a man of my word, but I suppose I can let them go. I'll feast upon them sooner or later anyway.'
              The surrounding creatures continued to make bizarre sounds at the mere thought of food.

Chapter 6

Marcus hales a cab in the harsh downpour of the night's rain.
              'Take me to the corner of 17th and Alpine. Please hurry.' He was already out of breath and his chest seemed to take the toll.
              The city's light shine brightly even at this late hour. Nothing can turn them off.
     

* * *

'Hey! Where the hell's my fee?!' The cabdriver was not impressed that Marcus had made a dash for it and into the old building.
              In four weeks time the area was set to be demolished. It's rumoured that one of the Families had gained the deeds to the land, and even though it was quite a bad area of town, decided to erect a casino that pushed out more than just money.
              Marcus races up the steps as fast as he could. Unfortunately Alyssa's old apartment was one the 5th floor, which happened to be the last as well. The elevators had never worked.
              He reached 507 and entered the apartment, completely out of breath.
              Alyssa lay in the middle of the floor. Her body lifeless and her skin pale.
              'No!' Marcus runs for her body. He slowly kneels beside her and places her head on his lap. “No. No. No. No! You can't be dead. You just can't be. We've been through too much have you die now. Remember what we planned.' Tears began to escape his eyes as he bent lower and kissed her gently on her lips. 'This isn't real.'
              The woman let out a slight groan as she opened her eyes and stared at the man holding her.
              'M-Marcus? That you?' She struggled to focus but after a minute or so the image came to her.
              He stroked her hair. 'Yea you can't get rid of me that easily.' He chuckled a little.
              'Where am I?’ She surveyed the room a little before resting her head again. 'Oh. How did I get here? I went off to investigate what had been going on – oh god the murders. I discovered a bit more info -'
              Blood trickled out of Marcus' mouth and onto her cheek. His eyes became as white as snow itself and he slumped over backwards. His mouth lay open and his teeth now stained red.
              'Well that was quite fun, don't you think my dear?' The floorboards were being manipulated into the form of half a man. His right hard was thrust into Marcus' back, churning  the man's insides into an almost instant death. Blood trickled out of the open wound and onto the floor.
              She screamed so loud those on the outskirts of the city swore they heard it on the wind.
              The being ripped his hand out of his victim; placed both hands upon the floor and pushed himself up. 'It's never that easy doing this,' he says calmly, with no tone in his voice. As he gains his ground with his feet he shakes violently and the wood, shaped to his body, instantly falls to the floor. A human in form, but perhaps only in form.
              'I was right,' Alyssa murmurs. 'It is you!' She backs up in a futile attempt to escape.

Chapter 7

'I'll take you, but in return they shall be made to witness your demise at our hands.' The doctor's face lit up with excitement at the mere thought of it all.'
              Yu turns to the others, clenches his fists and stares at all of them. 'Marcus, I want you to take Alyssa and the others and get out of here. The two of you need to raise a family and continue.’
              'No!' Marcus shouts with rage in his voice. 'We can't leave you here!'
              Alyssa holds onto him tightly.
              'This is not an option! Get the hell out of this place and never look back! Forget it all and carry on with life. Before that, please tell JM that we failed. He'll know exactly what to do.'
              One of the beasts thrusts its hand into Yu's right shoulder and pulls him down. Another rolls him onto his stomach and rips off both his wings and begins to devour them. All of them begin to eat the once proud man and he doesn't even let out a whimper.
              'Yu!' Alyssa screams as Marcus pulls her and runs.
              The beasts continue to devour the warm, soft flesh and take no notice of the fleeing group.

Chapter 8

'Yu!' She gasps. 'We-we saw you die! We saw you devoured by those beasts-'
              'Brothers, my dear. Please refer to them as my brothers. Not in blood though, but cause. I wasn't eaten at all. Just a slight cover up to hide what truly happened to me. I was changed.' He smiled a little more as his wings spread themselves as they did that night, so many years ago.
              'You killed Marcus! You killed your own blood brother! Your family!' She crawls back to Marcus and scoops him up. Her tears fall onto Marcus' face as she holds his lifeless body as he did hers.
              'Ah yes, pathetic little man. I've hunted down and killed every other person from that night and since you two were the last, I thought I'd play with you all a little. I turned you see, I decided to fight for and not against the cause. I want to resurrect the Living War in all it's glory and perfecting. Once again turn this land to waste and have the people cower in fear.' His laughter rang through out the building and even the rats were scared. 'Drinking the blood of Angels not only strengthens me, but reveal more pieces of the puzzle.'
              'Puzzle?'
              Yu reaches down, grips Alyssa by the neck and picks her up. 'Now my dear it is time for you to die, for once you are dead, there will be no one who knows the truth of it all and the events that are about to transpire.'
              His eyes turn from pitch black to pure white as a piece of thin, spiked wood pierces his head and is forced through his skull. He drops Alyssa to the ground as his own body collapses. A thick blue substance flows from his head as the wood is forced through even deeper by the fall.
              'Broth-'
              'Yea,' Marcus chuckles, ''good to see you too. Too bad it wasn't under better circumstances. You got a smoke on you?' Marcus collapses as well.
              'Marcus!' Alyssa huddles over him once again and tries to stop his bleeding.'
              'Don't. Don't try and stop it. If it wasn't for this I would have been dead in a month anyway.'
              'Marcus stop! We'll get you help.'
              'No. No-' he coughs up more blood. 'I have a disease. A disease that's been eating away at me the past two years and it'll continue to eat me till I'm dead. You know I never got to try Cuban cigars. Always wondered if they were any good.' He chokes a little but regains steady breathing. 'There's a lot you don't know. I'm like Yu over there. I also posses a pair of wings, well – I once had a pair of wings. Feel my back under my shirt.'             
              She reaches under him and her had passes a long two thickly scabbed wounds.
              'Cut 'em off.' His breaths grow heavier. 'Though I'd be normal, like you.' He smiles at her. 'Out of everyone that night, you were the only one that wasn't like us. Winged. Through all the time we courted before I couldn't let you know that I was an abomination.'
              Her tears grew larger as Marcus continued his words.
              'Why' He coughs. 'Why is his blood blue and not mine? Tell JM about it. All of it. Tell him everything so that he may stop the abominations from rising again – and maybe even stop me.'
              His eye lids pull over as his breathing stops. He lies in her arms. Lifeless.
              She continues to cry over her loss.
              Her body falls forward as her pulse stops. The knife that severed her spinal column is the cause of it and is promptly removed. The blade is wiped.'
              'Angels. Tsk. JM already knows.'

I know that it has a few flaws:
1. It's too short
2. Some of the characters are flat
3. Some areas need to be fleshed out and the dialogue cleaned up

[Alucard]

When did this pop up?

Will give it a read as soon as i sort out some RSS feeds and what not...

[NeoN]

Have just finished reading it. I recall reading the 1st few chapters back in the day. Gotta say, was awesome to read it all the way through, made for some gripping moments. Really liked the twists, def did not see them coming. >_<

Glad to read that you do acknowledge the few short comings Graham, and as you said, it was done back in highschool. Keen to read your next project.

[GrahamZA]

Thank you very much for the feedback, NeoN. I vaguely remember giving you a few chapters back in the day.

Do you have any criticism for it? I'm open to anything really as it helps me to improve what I write.

[NeoN]

Only two, and they're both in the beginning parts.

The 1st being that you initially set the scene as Melanie being a young woman, "...cowered a young woman, Melanie, who sat quivering...". You then switched to referring to her as a girl for the rest of the scene, "...could be heard coming from the girl...". I think consistency here is very important.

The 2nd thing was the repeating of how close the church is. I rate it shouldn't have been mentioned in the letter, as both characters would know where it is (or how close it is). Seeing as Marcus does inform the reader a few lines later, "Good thing it's only a few blocks away because I used up the last of my cash...".

[GrahamZA]

Great! Thanks! I actually hadn’t even noticed those. I’ll fix them on the next revision.

[NeoN]

Cool stuff. Glad I could help.

[GrahamZA]

Does anyone else have some feedback for me?

[5NAKE]

Does anyone else have some feedback for me?

This looks really interested dude. I'll check later this week if you dont mind that is.

[GrahamZA]

5NAKE, Alucard did you guys have a chance to go through this?

[GrahamZA]

I have been sitting down the past few evenings and am busy revamping the stories. I noticed a few inconsistencies and tense issues that I’m working over.

By the time I’m done this story will hopefully be 25000 words, as opposed to the current 5500.

[NeoN]

Which means even more LO peeps will not read it. >_<
/lowblow

That's awesome news dude. How much of it is still left to be written?

[GrahamZA]

I've done the first two pages so far. Once it's done I'll post it as a Google Docs link, which will make it easier to read.

While writing it I've come up with another story idea (science fiction), but I'll write that once Angels is done. I'm still toying with the Angels title and may just drop it in favor of something else.

[GrahamZA]

All I can say is, WOW this is taking me a long time. Due to a lack of free time I am way behind schedule. On the other hand I've managed to make some serious changes to the story so far and am fleshing out a lot.